the long pain

The long pain
Fly me afar
Lay on quiet
Evening plane.

The long pain
Train me to memory lane
Story of botanical freeze
Reading alone on morning breeze.

The long pain
Sail me again
Poem of lonely sorrow
The hope for new tmoro.

21dec19smbn

Wajib kita bersyukur pada tuhan atas semua kurniaaNya terutamnuya kesihatan. Selagi diberi kesihatan utk terus hidup, byk yg perlu dilunaskan tjawab semampu mungkin. Tidak pasti brape lama mampu bertahan utk terus berdaya, cuma yg penting kayuhkan segala usaha , tekad , doa dan kekal dijalanNya ynag betul. 

melakar cinta

Tidak pnah terlalu sedih
termenung di malam perih
Hitung silap-silap hari
Cerita pedih coretan diri.

Kusibak helai dosa
Kurenung deras noda
Bertanya soalan mengapa
Masih saja melakon alpa
Angguk faham tapi hampa.

Di parak subuh
mengatur langkah kukuh
daun hari yg kian luruh
Bekal hati luluh menyuluh.

Wahai hati yg rebah
Tetaplah tabah.
Jangan berlepas asa
melakar babak cinta hamba
Di penutup sebuah cerita.

29nov19sbn

its more about..

Not about the disease you had. Its about the your emotional state to face the situation. Its about the how you overcome your feelings and thoughts. Its about how you persevere and withstand the predicament with prayer, hope dan positive thinking. Its about how strong you hold the rope of HiM and stay strong.

hidup kembali

Di meja bulat
Berkerusikan sofa
Sudikah sesiapa temani
dengari cerita pagi.

Kini ku melihat pagi
Setiap hari
yang belari-lari sepi
Untuk mencari-cari
Titik erti utk hidup kembali

28nov19,serembab

politik , negara dan kuda

Parti politik perjuang apa,
Klau bkn utk tadbir urus bgn negara,
matlamat kerna negara

Ape sudah jadi kini
Semua gaduh sesama
entah kemana
Dulu bertegang suara
Skrg berbuku lima

Apa sudah jadi
Kesian negara tercinta
Atas kepentingan kuasa
Negara ditunggang bagai kuda.

8dec, seremban.

What is your choice

I was trapped into under water temple with maze constructions. With diving  oxygen tank denoting time  coundown timer,   I had no much time to find the way out to the surface before the gas diminshed. It was dark underwater  world and filled with dangerous killing pirahnas dan sharks seeking their prayers. I got no idea the intricacy of the temple would lead me to the surface opening.

This  overwhelming situation reside me in the state to total fear panick, uncertain, grief,  hopeless, despair and discourge.

As the time ticking, I had not much time and kept on thinking  that I would  drown and die. In the fusion of emotional overwhelming, should I   strive the solution and find the  way out or hold to daunting fear ? The gas meter indicator  warned  the critical level of oxygen , what choice I do I have?

As the situation become intense and try to subsiding my feelings,  I pray to God , that I ,must  try to swim to any openings  to the surface and the hope that I will survive.  At that moment,  I just letting God decide, I  work  the effort  and rest my  hope. My mind vividly reckon, at  least I did tried even I  fail to find my way out....

As time shut down, oxygent gas emptied, I dont find any way to the surface....

Suddenly,  I found my breathing hard  waking up on my morning bed....Glory to Him it just a dream. Then God wispered “You put your effort, rest your hope and pray in Me, I can just give you another day.”

Jalan Kembali

Jalan kembali adalah sabar , mengingati dan memuji kebesaranNya.  

Aku cuba menggali akar benci dan api amarah.  Bagaimana  ia melubuk . Entah mengapa virus ini cukup menyengat, amat menguji kepada yang lain. Bagaimana jalan utk menyabari dan menghadapi dengan tenang . Dan tidak mengeruhkan keadaan yg tersedia kusut. 

Ya Allah dugaan ini membuka pintu, membuak rase rindu pada diri Mu. Betapa di saat ini, kuat kurasa ku tak punya apa, lemah dalam langkah, keliru dalam rasa, tak terdaya untuk mengubah apa apa.  Di saat ini, melantas kan aku melihat langit, membaca kepulan awan dan bicara senja. Di situ diri Mu menunggu, menemaniku tanpa jemu.

25dec17 , nsw

Kabus kerusi sepi

Kabus sepi aku sendiri. 

Benih harapan

Ini tahun terindah , ini tahun anugerah. Aku diberi ruang hijrah, masa utk berubah ,  dan mengarang matlamat gagah. Tahun dimana diberi melangkah tenang, merenung arah, mengikis amarah, akur akan perlu terus besyukur . 

Dibumi asing, agar dapat mengasingkan diri dari kesibukan yg kulihat tiada jalan sudah. Keterasingan sebegini adalah jalan sepi memilih dimana utk tegak berdiri, tidak lesu oleh duri hati, kemarau akal atau putus asa sebuah harpan tak sampi.  Sepi dan terasingan itu mengajak agar terus berjalan walau musim tuai bertukar kemarau.

Hari berganti cuma mengisyaratkan supaya berubah kerana mengerti perlu melangkah. Daerah yang sama , tapi takdir yang berbeza’ kerna disitu ditanamkan benih harapan untuk sebuah taman yang mirip  syurgawi . Hasil dari sebenih biji maknawi.

31 dec 17, sajak hari hari terakhir 2017.kurumul, northfields avenue, nsw.

Peaceful sleep

This feelings  make me lonely and longing. Wish i could pour a cup for you to smell the aroma and sip the stories. When we are ready the accept , and quiet for every pain, the longing become so intense and I felt into cosy peaceful sleep. I wish you were there in darkest cold night seating and hear my dreams.

24dec17 nsw.

Bersama

Selagi kita bersama, tetap bertahan walau byk rintangan, selagi itu kita akan pelajari erti sebuah ikatan dan diri dibentuk menjadi lebih utuh dan baik. Namun jika kita memutuskannya, tiada lagi yg dpt mengalir ke dalam diri yg menjadi batu bata akan kentalnya peribadi.

23dec17new south wales.

Sangkar

Irama itu menemani

Dan menyentuh

Malam paling bisu

Kerana tak bisa

Jadi rasa yg lain 

Selain diri sendiri.

Bebaslah terawang

Di ruang vakum tanpa sebarang 

Bendasing yang menilai begitu dan begini

Itula jalan bahagia

Ditempat dijamin

Duka

Itulah gembira

Diruang yang sengsara

Tak tahu ape yg dimahu dari prasan yg tidak pernah mesta

Letih lesu 

Disangkar ragu

15dec17, gwyneville, nsw.

Time&Grow

Time factor is important , start early, everything takes time to grow.

14dec17.

Notes of charity gathering

Coming together is begining, being together is progrees n working together is success..

19nov17-gathering n talk organized by Uow 

Simpang Akhir

engkau enggan tau hikmah 40 ni. Memgapa diadakan kamu di sini dlm tenang dan aman. Kerna diizinkan kamu buat keputusan dipersimpangan terakhir...

18sep17

Forgetfulness

Enter life mean we enter forgetfulness. Thru trial , life experience we are getting back our mindfulness of our soul promise to God. All thru His guidance

3sep17

Coastal gun North wollongong

Long August road trip

11 Aug 2017..

Purpose

We just recall the first purpose of cell phone. During that time it mere to call and safe some contacts num. How bout now? Cell phone capabilty has already obscured the real purpose of communication. It stored application of multiple use. It can be wearther forecast, reading materials and even watching live stream. Its same with life, when become more advanced our true purpose life become too complex to grasp. Tiny thing become more important compare thing used to be priority.

2 sept 2017 .
 

Signs and warning

Along the way while driving, we are caution with signboards in the streets and hiways. They are useful information and indicators stated  what  lies ahead or action we need to aware and prepare to do. Normally at long drive freeways route , signs  on how much distance left to reach certain place the speed limits that bounded. In urban area, streeets denote signs like ‘no parking’or ‘no entry’, ‘one way street’ rampantly seen.  All signboards posed to ensure the safety of the road users which warn  detrimental causes that may occur   if not comply.

In our spiritual life,  the similar signs and warning occur in our life to caution us about the how our journey is going. llnesses and diseases betide on someone as warning that the time is ticking on us and we dont have much time to waste. It is a sign that our breath is deteriorate  as time pass by and we got to fulfil ouur responsibility before thee health fails us to do anything. It is telling  us time wait for nobody and the  to be spent our priority most in our daily life.

As we drive along the hiway of our life, look out the signs and ponder what they are trying to remind us...

Dont let go but letting GoD

Some boasting gems after reading few pages, 

- we must continue to chhoose hope over fear, belief over doubt and effort over despair

- keep standing , keep believing and keep hoping the answer is on its way

- the reason you woke up this morning was bcause Gosd wasnt finish with you yet. HE got something else for you to do.

-reeturn to our fitrah, attain peac of mind and have serenenity in our lives again

- if you want to have peace in youur life, you cant have too many rules

- trust your instinct, sometimes logic and facts get too much in the way.

My uncertain = 

- do my expectation unrealistic? Putting giant effort but ended with no fruitful result?

- do my measurement valid and consistent ? Why let number determine your thinking?

- too soon expect the end results?

- reckon of insecure ; extreme to certain belief ; not being flexible and simplistic?

Ayat -ayat penawar sakit buah pinggang

Al-Quran dan doa-doa adalah penawar bagi segala penyakit. Beberapa ayat dan amalan ayat-ayat suci yang berkaitan peyembuhan buah pinggang dengan izin Allah yang boleh diamalkan :

1. Surah Hasyr  ayat 21-24
2. Surah Al- Fil 
3. Baca 7 x Al - Fatihah  , 7 x  Ayat Kursi  , 7 x  Ayat Baqarah 285 , 3 x surah Qul dan baca 7 x Min Kullida inyudzikha Allahu Yasfikha 
4. Letak tapak tangan pada bahagian buah pinggang dan baca Ya Latiff seberapa banyak yang boleh.
5. Letak tapak tangan pada bahagian buah pinggang dan Baca 7 kali -Auzu bi izzatillah wa qadratihi min sharr ma ajid.

Inshallah laksanakan dengan istiqamah, dan benar -benar mengharap kesembuhan dari ALLAH. Niat agar kesembuhan dapat memperbaiki dan mendekatkan diri kepadaNya dan melaksanakan amanah dan tanggujawab sebagai seorang hamba Ilahi. Insha ALLAH.

Psikoterapi Islam pesakit kronik

1. Tekanan dan stres adalah suatu situasi yang sangat berkait dan boleh menganggu kualiti hidup harian pesakit yang memberi tekanan jiwa atau mental seseorang.

2. Ungkapan gambaran stres secara umumnya adalah tentang tekanan perasaan seseorang sehingga membuatkannya tidak mampu untuk menjalani kehidupan seperti biasa.

3. Stres juga adalah satu fitrah bagi manusia iaitu keadaan yang pasti berlaku dalam diri manusia terutama bagi mereka yang menghadapi penyakit yang sukar diubati. Ini kerana fitrah kejadian manusia itu sendiri yang terdiri daripada sistem saraf dan unsur kimia yang boleh menyebabkan perasaan, mental dan jasmani manusia terpengaruh. 

4. Di dalam al-Qur‟an, manusia mengalami tekanan perasaan atau emosi adalah disebabkan oleh faktor biologi atau fitrah kejadian manusia itu sendiri. Allah SWT menjelaskan dalam firman-Nyaِ

Al-Anbiyā‟ 21: 37

Terjemahan: “Manusia telah dijadikan (bertabiat) tergesa-

gesa. Kelak akan Aku perlihatkan kepadamu tanda-tanda 

(azab)-Ku; maka, janganlah kamu minta kepadaKu 

mendatangkannya dengan segera”.

Al-Ma‛āij 70: 19-22

Terjemahan: “Sesungguhnya manusia itu diciptakan bersifat 

gelisah lagi kikir. Apabila ia ditimpa kesusahan ia berkeluh 

kesah. Dan apabila ia mendapat kebaikan ia amat kikir. 

Kecuali orang-orang yang mengerjakan solat”.

5. Ayat al-Qur‟an tersebut memberi gambaran sikap manusia yang akan menjadi keluh kesah dan kebimbangan apabila diuji dengan sesuatu musibah, seolah-olah tiada jalan keluar dari masalah tersebut. Namun, ayat yang terakhir dari surah al-Ma‟ārij menceritakan bahawa masalah kebimbangan tersebut hanya boleh dihadapi dengan tenang oleh orang yang beriman.

6. Dalam Islam setiap dugaan yang datang adalah ujian daripada Allah SWT untuk meninggikan darjat dan martabat seseorang hamba di sisiNya. Semakin berat ujian atau tekanan yang dihadapi semakin besarlah pahala yang akan diperolehi. 

7. Oleh itu setiap manusia akan diuji bagi mendapat sebaik-baik ganjaran iaitu menikmati syurga Allah SWT

Apabila seseorang manusia itu berhadapan dengan sesuatu 

ujian dan bersabar dalam menempuhinya, tidak berputus asa atau berkeluh kesah, berfikiran positif dengan memahami bahawa Ayat tersebut mengandungi makna bahawa manusia yang punyai iman yang kuat dia akan cekal menghadapi setiap ujian hidup. Manakala orang yang lemah imannya akan mudah mengalami tekanan jiwa.

8. Tambahan lagi golongan yang lemah imannya memiliki sifat mudah kehilangan kepercayaan diri dan selalu berburuk sangka kepada Allah SWT dan orang lain. Bahkan kesan daripada pemikiran negatif ini dapat mengundang  keburukan, kejahatan dan penyakit yang berbahaya.

9. Selain itu, stres juga merupakan ujian dari Allah SWT yang 

bertujuan untuk menutup atau menghapuskan dosa-dosa 

hambaNya (kaffarah). Ini merupakan satu hikmah (rahsia) di 

sebalik ujian Allah dan seorang muslim yang mengetahui 

tentangnya pasti akan memiliki kekuatan mental yang tinggi. 

Berbeza dengan mereka yang melihatnya secara zahir sahaja.

 

10. Kekuatan mentalnya sangat lemah dan senang berkeluh-kesah atas segala musibah yang menimpa. Sabda Nabi SAW dalam sebuah  hadis:

 

Terjemahan: “Tiada kesusahan yang ditimpakan ke atas 

seorang muslim melainkan Allah SWT menghapuskan 

(dosanya), walaupun (kesusahan itu hanyalah) duri yang 

mengenainya”.

11. Maka setiap mukmin perlu bersedia untuk menghadapi 

tekanan dalam kehidupan dari segala sudut sama ada dari sudut mental atau fizikal. Malah mereka seharusnya memiliki kekuatan aqidah yang kukuh seperti keimanan kepada qaḍā‟ dan qadar yang akan menjadikan seseorang itu tabah menghadapi segalanya serta tidak mudah berputus asa dalam meneruskan kehidupan.

 

12. Mereka juga wajib percaya bahawa sesungguhnya sesuatu itu datang daripada Allah dan akan kembali jua kepadaNya.

13. Dari perspektif Islam, stres boleh dilihat sebagai salah satu fenomena „penyakit jiwa‟ yang mempunyai kaitan erat dengan al-nafs iaitu melibatkan aspek akal, roh, hati dan nafsu. Stres dapat mendatangkan pelbagai penyakit jiwa seperti gelisah, bimbang, runsing, sedih, murung yang keterlaluan dan sebagainya. Jika stres berpanjangan, ia memungkinkan berlakunya tindak balas atau perlakuan di luar batas-batas norma dalam masyarakat, kadangkala di luar batasan ajaran agama, dan di luar batas akal yang waras.

Sumber : Norhafizah Musa

7 WONDERS IN MAN

Man is aware about his inevitable death, yet he indulges in laughter and merriment.Knowing that this world will come to an end, man still hankers after it.Man knows that everything has been predestined yet he laments over the loss of something.Man has been warned and has the full knowledge about the fire of hell but he continues to sin.Man believes in the Reckoning of the hereafter but still he persists in amassing wealth.Declaring his belief in the Unity and Oneness of Allah, yet man remembers others besides Allah.Man believes in Jannah but still finds pleasure in the idle pursuit of this fleeting world.

Source: ‘DEATH’ by Husainiyah Publications Estcourt

CKD patients excess mineral alert

Phosphate

1. Phosphate is common in food, especially dairy products. Healthy kidneys remove the extra phosphate. Chronic kidney disease causes phosphate concentrations to increase. 
2. A high phosphate concentration can make the skin itchy. It is also a partial cause of bone and blood vessel disease.

Calcium

3. Calcium is important for healthy bones. A raised calcium concentration may cause headaches, nausea, sore eyes, aching teeth, itchy skin, mood changes and confusion.

Potassium

4. Potassium is found in many foods – particularly fruit and chocolate. Most excess potassium is normally removed from the body by the kidneys. Potassium is important for your general health and for the proper function of muscles and nerves
5. Too much potassium can upset the electrical impulses that control the beating of the heart and sometimes even cause the heart to stop.

Haemoglobin

6. People with CKD often have low haemoglobin levels: they have low red cell counts in their blood. This means they are anaemic. The anaemia is usually caused by a lack of erythropoietin (EPO), a hormone made by the kidneys. 

7. In other cases it may be caused by low iron stores, which may be caused by blood loss

Wake Up chronic disease patients

1. Contracting any chronic diseases does not only concern about yourself. People within your circle, also effected that need your intention like children , spouses and other family members.
2. Its not solely everything about your health. Reaching out your family and make them feel taken care of even with your predicament conditions are the best way to bind the relationship.
3. Spouse and children may feel that they the only one have to understand your situation and left their psychology needs in abandon. The prolong of this dilemma or communication is detrimental and leading to to hopeless and giving up of the caregiver.
4. It is suggest and encourage , the way to healing , chronic patients have to wake up their mind on how to contribute in the family and avoid being selfish and seek sympathy due to his or her condition. The best cure is to move on  try to act as if you are normal and healthy person.
5. If your are the leader of the family, forbear and pushed as far to play your roles and responsibilities. Hide all the shortcomings and never show weaknesses to others.

Nusa intan- 30 aug 19

Urea and creatinine part 2

1.Urea is the main waste product from the body’s intake of protein. 

2.Creatinine is a waste product from muscle. 

3. Creatinine and urea are carried in the bloodstream to the kidneys to be removed. 

4.High concentrations of creatinine or urea in the blood usually mean a reduced rate of filtration of urea or creatinine from the blood into the urine. 

5. It is important to note that urea and creatinine are not ‘poisons’ – they are simply convenient markers of the degree of abnormality of kidney function.

Di sudut rumahMu

Di sini
Aku merasa kecil dan tak berarti

Ya Rabbi
Tunjukkan ke mana langkah mesti kubawa?

Di sini
Aku merasa tak berdaya
Menunggu uluran tangan-Mu.

Urea vs creatinine -explained

Two important biochemical parameters that are measured in blood in order to assess the function of the kidney are blood urea and creatinine. Blood urea is synthesized in the liver from the ammonia produced in the intestinal tract as a by product for the digestion of protein. So, ammonia produced in the intestinal tract

is transported to the liver and then converted into urea.The urea is excreted through the kidney. So, this why blood urea is used as a test for the function of the kidney.

The second parameter is creatinine. Creatinine is a metabolic product produced from the muscles. First, creatine is synthesized in the liver and then transported to the muscles, combined with phosphorus and result in the formation of phosphocreatine

and then, when the body needs energy,the phosphorus is used for synthesis and the creatine is converted into creatinine. The creatinine produced from the muscles is excreted only through the kidney. So, here, these two parameters excreted through the kidney and this is why used to assess the function of the kidney.

However, urea is considered sensitive for renal diseases

but not specific. Creatinine is considered specific but not sensitive.So, the presence of mild renal disease, will result in increase the level of urea in the blood.Why urea is considered none specific for renal diseases is because urea is affected by the levels of proteins produced in the intestinal tract when large amount of protein produced. This means that more ammonia is produced and transported to the liver and will result in increase the level of urea which is not related to a disease in the kidney.

Also, in presence of abnormalities in protein metabolism

will result in reduction in the production of ammonia

and affect the level of urea in the blood. The presence of disease in the liver will affect the production of urea and may result in

reduction in the level of urea in the blood. 

Another factor that affect the level of urea in the blood is dehydration. Urea increased in the blood circulation in cases of dehydration So, cases associated with diarrhea or vomiting

or any other causes of dehydration will result in elevation of urea level in the blood.  So, renal disease is not the only cause for elevation of urea. However, if we excluded other causes that will result in elevation of urea, the kidney will be the cause, at that time.So, urea is considered sensitive it increase in mild renal diseases but, urea is not specific, because there are other factors

affect the level of urea in the blood.

Regarding creatinine, It produced in muscles.

However, creatinine excreted only through the kidney . Creatinine is not affected by the diet. Creatinine is not increased in cases of dehydration. So, creatinine is specific for kidney diseases

but, it increased in late renal diseases.Not like urea, it is specific. Once creatinine increased, the renal disease is confirmed. 

Usually increase of creatinine is associated with elevation of blood urea. However, elevation of blood urea is not

is not essentially associated with elevation of creatinine levels in the blood.  Creatinine level in the blood can decrease in cases of wasting of, in cases of emaciation or wasting of muscles due to the decrease the muscle mass that will result in decrease the production of creatinine and affect the level of creatinine in the blood. So, creatinine level can be decreased in cases of liver diseases or in case of wasting condition, or decrease the muscle mass in the body.

Okinawa Diet

In okinawa, japan, the people are believe to live longer or had  high longevity rate bcause of their diet culture. Here are some of the common practices

- eat herbs and spices 

- eat edamame beans and put calories at mibimum.

- only use salt and sugar sparingly ( 50%)

-  eat 5 different fruits and vegetables ( like color of rainbow)

- eat plain rice and noodless

- eat small portions, use small plate, fill stomach 80% and leave some speace for hungry.

In 1963, Hawking contracted motor neurone disease and was given two years to live. Yet he went on to Cambridge to become a brilliant researcher and Professorial Fellow at Gonville and Caius College. From 1979 to 2009 he held the post of Lucasian Professor at Cambridge, the chair held by Isaac Newton in 1663. Professor Hawking received over a dozen honorary degrees and was awarded the CBE in 1982. He was a fellow of the Royal Society and a member of the US National Academy of Science. Stephen Hawking is regarded as one of the most brilliant theoretical physicists since Einstein.

Tracing his development as a thinker, he explains how the prospect of an early death urged him onward through numerous intellectual breakthroughs, and talks about the genesis of his masterpiece A Brief History of Time – o

# physical  impaired may closed you down, but not the power of your mind. As long as your mind still working,  keep on thinking and imagine, no one can stop you to live ...

Malam Berdua

Sajak 3

Sajak 3 ; itu saja

Kinj  hanya satu ku pinta

Baki masa utk membersihkan dosa

Sbelum dijemput Pulang.

Itu saja.

Htjseremban.

Terlantar di Hospital

Terlantar di hospital

Ketika terlatar di hospital, ku dilihatkan 

- empat troli mayat roda berkeriuk berdentum diusung keluar wad

• insan -insan di hujung nyawa menggapai-gapai mencari nafas terakhir di katil perbaringan
• Air-air mata yang mengalir, bergenang sebak lalu dikesat-kesat..
• Melihat kasih sorang bonda sentiasa erat di sisi anak sebilang masa
• Para doktor dedaksi diskusi mundar mandir sambil ditangan tulis mencatat dan mencakar solusi
• Mulut mulut berkumat kamit melafaz istghfar sambil tangan menadah dan mulut terngadah

..dan seorang aku sedang termanggu memikir satu persatu apa yang bakal berlaku. Menunggu , merenung longgokan dosa yang bakal dihitungkan.

Hospital seremban 31-7ogos 2019

Long Months

First admision, tampin hospital

KPJ specialist..seremban

My second home, Nefro Clinics.

Alternative treatment, KB , 8-16 jul

 Seremban Hospital, blood tranfuse, renal biopsy, 31 jul -11 ogos 19.

First Haemodilisis HTJ.

2nd dialisis, pilah hospital. 10 ogos 19.

Greatness and glory to Most High Allah SWT make all this long months possible, guide and safe guard me along the way. YOU call unto me, and unveil new meaning.. End me with acceptance of obedience servant. Amin

3 days before diagnose CKD

Pray

Worry more contagious than the disease itself. 

Move on everything will be ok. Put aside the worries, in case you fall HE will catch you. 

Walk slow but steady, the whole purpose is to make you closer to HIM. HE wants to save your , if you become more distance from HIM , is no use to inherit the cure. That should be your real worries.

Do your part, let HIM decides what should you get. Always remember HIM  because that only path to peace of mind and purpose. Dont think what will happen to you, even if you loose you breath, or your sight become blurring, and eventually falling àpart , HE will catch you. Be strong and stay positive.

CKD

Where to start? I just want to share how my life made sudden u-turn, when things no longer like usual. But I always consider it as blessings which until now Im struggle to grasp.

This is when im being diagnosed with cronic kidney disease or best known as CKD.  After few days illness  just thot a normal fever , then decide going to hospital to get my MC turns into different story. When the doctor just to check on my blood, soon after few minutes im suddenly fainted. Medical staffs rushing me into red area and promptly do all the routines. It doesnt take too long for me woke up again, and everything is blurr and just hear people and wife voice. Uncertain what actually happen, doctor then explain my kidney having some fuctional problem due to high creatinine reading, 500++. Not sure what it really means, I was warded on that historical day..

After almost a week admitted at tampin hospital, great decline of my creat reading to 300 , which at first was good sign. The number was static at that range, and doc again told  it was likely sign of ckd, the reduce function of kidney. Devastating and fear started to aroused when the reading denote Im at stage 4 of ckd. 

Later on was quite good news when doc told me that i can be discharged, and do check up on appoinment basis. Fear arouse when i received a call fm hospital the next day require me to readmit. This must be something wrong and not right and i decided to be reexamined to local private hospital where i was again admitted for a week. 

Still no avail of good sign of decline, my creat reading at fisrst seen static but at one point hiking up tremendously. At one time i was refered to cardio due to short of breath and cardiologist opt me to perform Angiogram. I have no option but to proceed, but it effect my kidney badly when creat reading keep on incraese back to 500++. That moment i felt totally despair, it effect me emotional and psychologically. I became unsure with body capacity and ability to going on with daily routine.

Healing

Accept and move on.

Acceptance is a cure. Movement is a healing.

Catat

Aku mengharap usaha kali ini diterimaNya sebahagian dari ikhtiar. manusia bila diuji akan terbangun dari lena dan mencari cari hakikat hidup. Apepun aku sering sering berdoa agar aku dpt pulih seperti biasa . Dan jika ini takdirku, kumohon kekuatan dan ketabahaan selama mana nadi ini berdenyut.

Aku enggan mengalah utk meneruskan langkah. Byk tanggungjawab perlu dilangsai selagi diberi masa untk bernafas. Dan kali ini aku tidak mahu leka dan lupe lagi

Kumohon tuhan, hindari segala keraguan dan keserabutan fikiran. Berikan aku satu jalan yg dpt aku teruskan tanpa ragu ragu.

-Serembn 26 jun 19

Rekonstruksi Diri

Ingin ku titipkan sesautu. Iparku kemalangan motosikal tiga hari seblum ramadhan , dia pergi menghadap Ilahi pada puasa yg ke-12. Tinggalkan isteri dan dua org anak. Iparku hembus nafas alkhirnya pada usia sama denganku , 42 tahun.

Pada raya ke12 juga, setelah demam dan muntah beberapa hari serta pitam, aku dimasukkuan ke hospital , didiagnos menghadapi kegagalan fungsi buah pinggang. Aku bertahan di hospital tampin selama 6 hari , kemudiannya di tahan di tahan di hospital swasta selama 4 hari.

Terawih dan puasaku  terhenti  pada ramadhan ke12..

Ramdhan kali ini aku hanya dberikan 10 ramdhan pertama, yg dikatakan pengampunan( jika diizinNya) tiada 10 pertengahan iaitu Maghfirah, malah tiada bebas dari ape neraka (10 terakhir) dan apatahlagi lalitul qadar.

Aku merenung jauh. Berfikir sejenak.  semua ini mengejutkan aku dari lena yang panjang untuk ku mulai rekonstruksi diri. Ampuni hamba mu ini.

17 may

Disintergrate within. 

14 Mei 19

Tired. Unfocus. Hopeless. Uncertain.Longing. soul fatigue.

29 apr 2019

DON’T WASTE LIFE, LIVING SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE

Malam yg Pudar

1. Kebahagian sebenar adalah hidup yang dijauhi dosa. Bisa, mampu dan diberi kekuatan utk kerja segala suruhan , diberi daya utk tinggal segala larangan Dia.

2. Bersentiasalah utk mencuba lebih kuat, langkah lebih jauh dan menabahi sakit dan pedih dalam berusaha.

Seremban 12 jan 19. - malam yg gelapnya hanyir dan pudar.