Tuesday, July 23, 2019

Pray

Worry more contagious than the disease itself. 

Move on everything will be ok. Put aside the worries, in case you fall HE will catch you. 

Walk slow but steady, the whole purpose is to make you closer to HIM. HE wants to save your , if you become more distance from HIM , is no use to inherit the cure. That should be your real worries.

Do your part, let HIM decides what should you get. Always remember HIM  because that only path to peace of mind and purpose. Dont think what will happen to you, even if you loose you breath, or your sight become blurring, and eventually falling àpart , HE will catch you. Be strong and stay positive.

Friday, July 12, 2019

CKD

Where to start? I just want to share how my life made sudden u-turn, when things no longer like usual. But I always consider it as blessings which until now Im struggle to grasp.

This is when im being diagnosed with cronic kidney disease or best known as CKD.  After few days illness  just thot a normal fever , then decide going to hospital to get my MC turns into different story. When the doctor just to check on my blood, soon after few minutes im suddenly fainted. Medical staffs rushing me into red area and promptly do all the routines. It doesnt take too long for me woke up again, and everything is blurr and just hear people and wife voice. Uncertain what actually happen, doctor then explain my kidney having some fuctional problem due to high creatinine reading, 500++. Not sure what it really means, I was warded on that historical day..

After almost a week admitted at tampin hospital, great decline of my creat reading to 300 , which at first was good sign. The number was static at that range, and doc again told  it was likely sign of ckd, the reduce function of kidney. Devastating and fear started to aroused when the reading denote Im at stage 4 of ckd. 

Later on was quite good news when doc told me that i can be discharged, and do check up on appoinment basis. Fear arouse when i received a call fm hospital the next day require me to readmit. This must be something wrong and not right and i decided to be reexamined to local private hospital where i was again admitted for a week. 

Still no avail of good sign of decline, my creat reading at fisrst seen static but at one point hiking up tremendously. At one time i was refered to cardio due to short of breath and cardiologist opt me to perform Angiogram. I have no option but to proceed, but it effect my kidney badly when creat reading keep on incraese back to 500++. That moment i felt totally despair, it effect me emotional and psychologically. I became unsure with body capacity and ability to going on with daily routine.

Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Healing

Accept and move on.
Acceptance is a cure. Movement is a healing.

Catat

Aku mengharap usaha kali ini diterimaNya sebahagian dari ikhtiar. manusia bila diuji akan terbangun dari lena dan mencari cari hakikat hidup. Apepun aku sering sering berdoa agar aku dpt pulih seperti biasa . Dan jika ini takdirku, kumohon kekuatan dan ketabahaan selama mana nadi ini berdenyut.

Aku enggan mengalah utk meneruskan langkah. Byk tanggungjawab perlu dilangsai selagi diberi masa untk bernafas. Dan kali ini aku tidak mahu leka dan lupe lagi

Kumohon tuhan, hindari segala keraguan dan keserabutan fikiran. Berikan aku satu jalan yg dpt aku teruskan tanpa ragu ragu.

-Serembn 26 jun 19


Monday, June 3, 2019

Rekonstruksi Diri

Ingin ku titipkan sesautu. Iparku kemalangan motosikal tiga hari seblum ramadhan , dia pergi menghadap Ilahi pada puasa yg ke-12. Tinggalkan isteri dan dua org anak. Iparku hembus nafas alkhirnya pada usia sama denganku , 42 tahun.

Pada raya ke12 juga, setelah demam dan muntah beberapa hari serta pitam, aku dimasukkuan ke hospital , didiagnos menghadapi kegagalan fungsi buah pinggang. Aku bertahan di hospital tampin selama 6 hari , kemudiannya di tahan di tahan di hospital swasta selama 4 hari.

Terawih dan puasaku  terhenti  pada ramadhan ke12..

Ramdhan kali ini aku hanya dberikan 10 ramdhan pertama, yg dikatakan pengampunan( jika diizinNya) tiada 10 pertengahan iaitu Maghfirah, malah tiada bebas dari ape neraka (10 terakhir) dan apatahlagi lalitul qadar.

Aku merenung jauh. Berfikir sejenak.  semua ini mengejutkan aku dari lena yang panjang untuk ku mulai rekonstruksi diri. Ampuni hamba mu ini.

Friday, May 17, 2019

17 may

Disintergrate within. 

Monday, May 13, 2019

14 Mei 19

Tired. Unfocus. Hopeless. Uncertain.Longing. soul fatigue.