I dont want to be discharged anymore

I try to read a lot, the more I know, invites more worries in me. Should I stop reading? It is not good advice because less knowing, high tendency of becoming ignorant and complacent. I keep on reading and try to find something make me move on.

When I’m diagnosed with chronic diseases, I quested myself in all the library of information. I read everything what books and Mr. google can offer, some ended me with joy and concreting me strength. But often times plunged me with gruesome and sorrow feelings. I become startled when start to read the line ‘your disease can make you survive for only 5 years, next you have to prepare for the worst’… Suddenly the images of bleak and dying hope getting clouded my mind. My self esteem become the lowest of the low.

My health has been up and down. Every time, hospitalized, and were became my real time horror. Having bed besides dying person grasping for his final breaths, corpse trollies were push back and forth, relatives crying out loud, patients at high voice enduring the pain moment. I experienced more than triple dozens seeing died patience being sent away from the ward. How do you think all these images can destroy your peaceful mind?

I survived two times of septic shocks, when doctor says my blood stream infected by severe bacteria. Fever sky rocketed to 40-degree Celsius and my blood pressure going down to 50/30. It is total grim when I straight away put at red zone, had 12 hours at r zone, you start to see other severe patient being put oxygen tube into their mouth for intubation. At that moment I felt so overwhelmed, fear, depress and searching for inner strength to has positive mind and hope.

I’m sure many people had experienced worst than this. They going through formidable situation and still surviving and keep on battling for their health.

I admitted and discharge. Some patients admitted and spent their last day in the ward. The day you admitted always had the worst feelings. When doctor inform that you are recovering, then soon allow you to discharge, hope come to shine again.

I’m utmost thankful. After been through all this experience, God still give me health, and hold me dearly along this painful journey. The sorrow and fear had me appreciate life and the remaining time given. A lot of things have to be done and my responsible yet to be fulfilled. Again, when a day probably I’m be readmitted, I wish and hope that I done my part to serve Him. I will ask Him, take me to You, I don’t want to be discharged any more.

seremban,feb 2020