I dont want to be discharged anymore

I try to read a lot, the more I know, invites more worries in me. Should I stop reading? It is not good advice because less knowing, high tendency of becoming ignorant and complacent. I keep on reading and try to find something make me move on.

When I’m diagnosed with chronic diseases, I quested myself in all the library of information. I read everything what books and Mr. google can offer, some ended me with joy and concreting me strength. But often times plunged me with gruesome and sorrow feelings. I become startled when start to read the line ‘your disease can make you survive for only 5 years, next you have to prepare for the worst’… Suddenly the images of bleak and dying hope getting clouded my mind. My self esteem become the lowest of the low.

My health has been up and down. Every time, hospitalized, and were became my real time horror. Having bed besides dying person grasping for his final breaths, corpse trollies were push back and forth, relatives crying out loud, patients at high voice enduring the pain moment. I experienced more than triple dozens seeing died patience being sent away from the ward. How do you think all these images can destroy your peaceful mind?

I survived two times of septic shocks, when doctor says my blood stream infected by severe bacteria. Fever sky rocketed to 40-degree Celsius and my blood pressure going down to 50/30. It is total grim when I straight away put at red zone, had 12 hours at r zone, you start to see other severe patient being put oxygen tube into their mouth for intubation. At that moment I felt so overwhelmed, fear, depress and searching for inner strength to has positive mind and hope.

I’m sure many people had experienced worst than this. They going through formidable situation and still surviving and keep on battling for their health.

I admitted and discharge. Some patients admitted and spent their last day in the ward. The day you admitted always had the worst feelings. When doctor inform that you are recovering, then soon allow you to discharge, hope come to shine again.

I’m utmost thankful. After been through all this experience, God still give me health, and hold me dearly along this painful journey. The sorrow and fear had me appreciate life and the remaining time given. A lot of things have to be done and my responsible yet to be fulfilled. Again, when a day probably I’m be readmitted, I wish and hope that I done my part to serve Him. I will ask Him, take me to You, I don’t want to be discharged any more.

seremban,feb 2020

mengenang sajak jm aziz

Dulu pnh tonton teater kisah sasterawan jm aziz. Tak silap di panggung kbn bersama sahabat rozan. Ungkapan falsafah pak jm masih sya ingat, 'manusia apabila diuji dgn kehidupan, akn tahu bezakan intan dan permata'. Kata2 ini dulu tidak aku fahami seluruhnya. Pak JM diuji dengan penyakit kusta, hingga matanya  tak bisa melihat lagi. Ini dipapar dlm sajak beliau penyu menangis siapa yang tahu.

Kini aku diuji dgn penyakit. Seluruh nafasku disentap, hingga dunia yg luas menjadi seakan sempit. Aku hitung kembali nilai kehidupan yg ditanggapi sebelum ini. Byk yang lupa dan sia sia, masih sesat dalam nikmat yang sementara.

Bila diregut penyakit, timbul sedar akn emasnya masa yg diberikan dan nafas yg masih menyala. Betapa dulunya ku alpa, antara intan dan suasa dalam kehidupan. Sajak Pak Jm jelma dlm benak, sambil memahami maksud sebenar dulu sajak beliau. Aku kongsi sajak Pak JM setelah hampir sedekat ku lupakan. Ingin ku titip terima kasih pada arwah Pak Jm.Kini aku mengerti sajak bapak maksudkan dulu.

PENYU MENANGIS SIAPALAH TAHU – JM AZIZ

Anak muda berlagu sayang

di Batu Remis melepas rindu

adik ketawa di Rantau Abang

penyu menangis siapalah tahu.

Sesak nafasnya sesak

tak tahu adik tak tahu

bengkak jantungnya bengkak

tak tahu adik tak tahu.

Retak hatinya retak

tak tahu adik tak tahu.

Lenyap ditelan derauan ombak

telur penawar hatinya lebur

tumpah air matanya melimpah-ruah

agar terhibur adik terhibur.

Kelabu matanya kelabu

tak tahu adik tak tahu

sendu tangisnya sendu

tak tahu adik tak tahu.

Sayu jiwanya sayu

tak tahu adik tak tahu

layu langkahnya layu

tak tahu abang pun tak tahu.

please

The long winding road, please  rest me in far quiet bay.

Pain and sorrow, please subside me in calm morning breeze.

Fear and depress, please make my day again, curve me a smile with the rainbow of laughter.

Worries please give back the peace and hope of better tomorrow.

Lonely please songs me a melody of glittering  nights.

Sip me again the aromatic coffee, sitting , chatting joyfully with dearie family and frens.

Malam Pertemuan

 Malam Pertemuan 

Tidak mungkin sekali dilupa
malam itu,
Dalam payah lelap dan
nafas tidak sekata,
DiriMU hadir dalam
gelita pejamnya mata.

Pasti tidak sekali dilupa
janji ku malam itu :
'Tidak ku bukakan mata selagi nafas ini masih menyala'.

Sungguh tidak sekali dilupa
Dalam samar-samar gelap,
DiriMu menyahut :
'Bahawa kau di situ tanda AKU
ingin jemput kau pulang'.

Dalam mengalir linangan
ku terus  dengari lagi sahutan MU:
Hiruplah baki nafas dengan sebaiknya,
Nafas itu akan makin lelah dan
matamu  tidak akan  lagi soroti  fana dunia, dan tika itu,
AKU menantimu di Sana. 


seremban , 2020

Corona Virus

Today we received news differently, more worrying and frightening. The media today can depict all the behind of the curtain, more often exaggerating. Lately we being feed with the gruesome footages of new virus Novel Coronavirus (2019 N-Cov). The news on the virus came quite gradual, from mild reports to escalating severe. The virus originated and first outbreak in Wuhan, one of the China developed capital. So, what the real truth about this deadly virus?

Coronavirus is large family of virus that can cause deadly disease in mammals and birds. There are many kinds of coronavirus but only few are known can affect human. The disease may range from normal cold to Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS) which previously had infected 8000 people and killed 800 in 2002-2003 outbreak. Another type of coronavirus was MERS (Middle East Respiratory Syndrome occurred and in Saudi Arabia which consider deadlier than SARS, which had 850 people died from the disease.  Coronavirus is transmitted thru airborne droplets of an infected person fluids. The virus was believed first transmitted from animal to human before it being spread from human to human.

The 201 N-Cov story begin and initially transmitted from animal to human at Seafood Market Huanan at Wuhan. It was reported the early people infected with the virus were most from attending this market which now already in total shutdown. The signs of people infected with this virus include fever, cough and breathing difficulty. Subsequently more severe symptoms are including pneumonia and kidney failure.

Until now there is still no specific cure for this virus but there still treatment available of many of its symptoms. Even antibiotics are not effective because they only work on bacteria but some hospitalized patients received antibiotics due to possibility of bacteria co-infection. Being new coming virus, coronavirus still has no exact vaccines available to cure and most probable won’t be for few years to come.

Wearing face masks is very important, not just to avoid infected droplets but it more about to avoid the non infected patients from touching the faces when its transmitted through their hand. This is where the virus starts to develop and mutated into our lungs which can cause serious pneumonia.

Who are susceptible to this disease? Those young and strong immunity persons and having right amount protection of antibody consider less risk but they need take preventives measures. Those elder people with existing health problem are more vulnerable to this disease. Even more likely to those contracting chronic disease and having body access point like arteriovenous. How fast the body can respond to the virus determine the subsequent condition of the person.

All government agencies in China now work hand in hand to come with the best outcome and solution. Experts at all level are gathered to ensure the pandemic will progress in right direction. The agency is very meticulous in releasing the report on current situation and ensure the world receive the right information.  Hospitals are renovated to make more room available for the patience. Those who critical, they are centralized at selected hospital with update facilities.

Latest update on the virus, it was reported no evidence show that the virus was already mutated. The virus is developing based on the surrounding temperature, which enable the virus to multiply. Therefore, this show different vicinity has different potential how the virus develops and evolve.

The virus had alerted the global and emergency had declared by WHO to warn all nations to stand together. Its not China problem per se but  to be effective all nations are interdependent. Ironically, a Korean Film director Kim Sung-Soo in his 2013 movie ‘The Flu’, may had depicted the Coronavirus at its worst.

Seremban, 4 eb 2020.